a peek inside my headMonday, December 22, 200311:37AM - longest day of my lifeso i'm thinking the past five weeks has been the LONGEST five weeks of my life. i just want it all to be over. i want it to go back to july. i want to be careless and crazy. i want the honeymoon days back. i hate what this has become, and what i have become. it sucks. last night i went out with jay, from pizza hut, who james thinks is my boyfriend, and it makes me smile to think that he's jealous... and we had coffee and just talked. it was kinda nice, except when he told me that brandon told him not to hang out with me. that just made me so mad. i realize that brandon and i have basically been fighting over james for the past four months, but i really haven't ever done anything seriously wrong to him. and I NEVER WILL. i'm not like that. i don't like to ruin lives, nor do i plan to do so. i try and help him out in anyway i can. i thought we were friends, but apparently i'm wrong. i'm uncomfortable when i go to the hut, it's like i don't want to work there anymore, it's awful. i mean i love it, and the people but it's not fun, or comfortable, as i said before. i feel fake and disliked. what ever. i'm so confused as to what i'm feeling anymore. i know waht i want, and i know what i need. and they do not agree. why can't it just be good? Current mood:  workingCurrent music: xmas music Friday, December 12, 20032:25PM - and when you hate yourself as much as i do...when you are as pissed off at yourself as i am what do you do? i want to let go. but i obviously don't. i should just let him do whatever he wants. he can leave. i should let him. i just wish he didn't lie. and i'm not pissed off at him, but at myself. i hate myself for letting him come back and believing what he told me. and i have nothing more to say other than if i had a gun i'd def shoot myself in the head. because i have a GIANT hatred for myself. Current mood:  pissed offCurrent music: my buddy by G-Unit Thursday, November 27, 200310:54PM - cos i'm real.i find it all so effin funny. all of it. it's like a never ending nightmare or something. what i know is that i'm real. i'm a genuine person. i'd like to think of myself as such. i care about people. i feel. i don't like to hurt people nor do i intentionally do so. but the people around me confuse me. who is real? who is lying? why is this all happening? Current mood:  worriedCurrent music: angel by amanda perez Tuesday, November 25, 20038:48PM - people are good for something...so i'm talking to my step brother who i never imagined i'd be talking to about all the shit that went down and here's what he has to say... Current mood:  okayCurrent music: so yesterday... haven't you heard i'm going to be ok? Saturday, November 22, 20036:18PM - saturday, saturday, saturdaymy sister saw him with his whore last night, well technically it was this morning at four am at tom jones. i hate hearing about him, but at the same time i so wanna know. SIGH. depressing. had my last football game of the season today. kinda sad, those people really make me smile. i'm living at home now. for now, rather. guess i just don't want to be at school right now. i talked to joe last night. sometimes he makes me mad. not sure if i want him in my life these days. i like to talk to him and he usually satisfies my craving to talk but it's not the same. i don't want it to be the way it was. ever again. it wasn't healthy. i am still heartbroken but it's getting better. last night i had a fun time with nick and megan in philly oh and meg's friend too. me and nick sat in the back of the car and just kept saying no, no i don't think we have that in aspen. lol. good fun stuff. i like nick alot. he's a great kid. i hope to keep him in my life for a long time. i think we have some sort of like brother-sister connection. we both look like we're 13 years old and the fact that we are two weeks apart is great. i told him when we turn 21 we are going to the bar with our id's plastered to our heads. no one will believe we are actually 21 it will be great. well let's make it to 20 first i suppose. i am going back to pizza hut next week. wednesday to be exact. i'm not sure if that is a good thing or not. i am embarrassed and ashamed to tell you the truth. but there is this new boy, jason who is pretty cool. i don't know what or who to believe anymore. i don't know what's real. i am trying to take EMT classes now. and that makes me really excited. i hope i can do that. Current mood:  crushedCurrent music: pachobel's canon in D Thursday, November 20, 20036:16PM - and time... goes by... so slowly...I heard you're doin' okay Current mood: okayWednesday, November 19, 20037:07PM - rewind?i wish i could tell you what i feel. i wish i could pour out on this page all the pain that is inside. but i can't. i feel stupid. betrayed. so many other things. but there are so many things to be worried about. and worrying causes you to age. so although i may look 13 i feel 59. and i'm only 19. when will this end? when can i run away? where can i go? running doesn't solve anything but i seem to forget it. i miss you. rewind and fix it all. how many times have i said that? a million. can't. can't go back, can't fix the past. only the future. it gets better. i promise. just keep telling yourself that. and maybe it will happen. Current mood:  depressedThursday, November 13, 20031:14AM - friendsi cannot thank everyone enough for what they have done for me. thank you for your support and your comforting words. the telephone calls, IMs and sitting with me mean more to me than anything. to everyone who cares, thank you and i love you. Current mood:  touchedWednesday, November 12, 200312:05PM - there's nothing like the pain i feel for you.it's the moment that you've all been waiting for: james dumped me. it's over. kaput. i'm done. i'm a liar supposedly too. wow. i haven't lied in so long, it's not even funny. right, eric? new policy folks. my heart has been broken into a million pieces. i don't know why he did this. i'm guessing it's for that skinny little thing he's moving in with. i'm sad that's all there is to it. and i'm left here with a broken heart, a broken car and a cell phone. now what? i'm sad. Current mood: depressedCurrent music: our lady peace Tuesday, November 11, 20033:28AM - sighyou have broken your first promise. a broken promise is a lot more than it seems. please don't make promises you don't intend to keep. Current mood:  melancholyMonday, November 10, 200311:56AM - mondaywell i find myself at monday again. this weekend was half fun, half not as fun. friday we left for syracuse at about 2pm, megan and i almost missed the bus, not really but we'd like to think it was really scary. then we took a five hour ride up there and arrived at eight. we stayed at the hotel syracuse and then we ate. the food was ok actually. then we headed upstairs for chilling. it was most of the third trumpet section, varad (VRAD), shari (half drunk), meggles, eric, ryan, frank, jack, jackie and kelly. it was super fun, we just sat around all night and talked about everything from high school marching band to IH to drinks. varad was my pretend boyfriend for the weekend. lol. around midnight it started to snow. it was so cool, i love the snow, i mean we're not talking a blizzard just some steady flurries. so we decided to head to bed around two and catch some shut eye before the game and god awful wake up call at 7.15am! i called james around 12.30 that night and he was drinking with "the boys." of course i don't know any of these characters, but he was totally unattentive and just kinda like i want to get back into it. so i was stuck thinking "hi i'm your girlfriend and i'm sorry i'm interupting your life." i mean aren't i supposed to be PART OF HIS LIFE? and not watching? anyway back to the weekend. so the game, we lost, we sat around for quite some time and got on the road. the dome was kinda stupid and a let down. it wasn't as cool as i thought it would be. so then we got on the road and got home around 11.45 and then i went home to see my lovely boyfriend. he came home at like two and we laid in bed together and talked. he basically told me hi you're not my soulmate because we have nothing in common (which by the way is the biggest bullshit reason). and then he said he didn't know if he wanted "this" anymore. so he sucks! and then he tells me he doesn't want to live or whatever. but i think it's all an excuse to get away from me. that makes me sad. sunday he shoved me off to NYC to take my sister home with my mom and that was nice. i got to see her dorm and whatsuch. and then go home and waited for him to get home and he made time, between 7-8 and penciled me in. thank god. i mean an hour! for someone i come home for that's not much time. then he just left me. i begged him to come up this week, i'm getting him a cd and i want to give it to him. but yeah. so now it's monday and aileen is already playing christmas music! it makes me smile though. i love christmas time. i talked to joe last night and it felt so good. so here's the poll of the day: is joe on my boyfriend list? we can't decide. was he technically/not technically one of my boyfriends? could he be considered? we are not what we used to be, but it's so nice to talk to him. i know i kept saying never again, but it's like i need him, i really miss him when he's gone. i don't want the relationship we had, but it's nice to just talk to him. he listens and i feel better after i talk to him. well time for class. more later. Current mood: just kinda here Current music: christmas music! Thursday, November 6, 20035:55AM - manic depressive.alright it's 5.55 in the morning. i have not yet slept. i also have not yet started studying for the midterm i have at 8.40 this morning. but i have come to a realization. college is not fun. no not at all. it is hell and recommend that no one go. i mean seriously. first off, you come to a place where you know no one. if you're lucky you have a few friends from high school with you, but what are the odds that you are going with your best friend? slim to nill. second of all, you think you're alone for a good portion of the first semester considering you don't have any friends because you don't know anyone. next. as you go on you get addicted to aim. constantly on and spoiled with a fast connection so that when you go home and say "mom what's wrong with your computer aol won't come up" and she says "no, that's my computer, it's slow and i have a 56K modem" you talk to people across the room (like your roommate) from the computer along with people down the hall. as the year goes by you realize you actually have to study or you will fail out. who actually studied in high school?! not me. and i seemed to get by ok. next. you are offered every drug in the book and learn to love and appreciate good beer, considering at the frats all they serve is beast and some other shit called dakota's best? next. you get so stressed out that you feel like dropping out and living in a box for the rest of your life. you start to get a taste of the real world by living in a dorm apartment, omg we have to buy our own food and that stuff is NOT cheap. i repeat do not go to college. here's the deal. my best friend from college won't talk to me. so i have no one to talk to. my boyfriend doesn't like to talk to me either. he doesn't even call or return phone calls. he used to come to visit me now i have to beg him to see me when i'm home and that usually doesn't work. can't tell you the last time he was up here by choice. when i do go home, which is for him, he leaves me a home for many hours at a time. it's like hell why the fuck did i come home again? oh for you, and wait you're not even here! and then he comes home and says we'll spend time together but falls asleep. good clean quality time together: sleeping. i'm a sucker for words so everytime it's like babe, i love you. and oh! it's all better. i am so depressed. i feel like i'm on a roller coaster. i am not doing so hot in school. this fucking physics midterm is going to kill me if i don't kill myself first. if i don't do well, i'm so scared i will lose my scholarship and i won't get into med school. my dream, my passion my life long goal. something i've wanted since i was eight. well that's the earliest i can remember wanting it. if i dont' get into med school, i'll die. what will i do? i dont' want to do anything else. and it's like all my friends are at school, busy living their school lives and i dont' even have time for friends. so my life consists of studying. and sleeping, which by the way i feel is a HUGE waste of time. it really is. i wish we didnt' need it. i'm depressed. my boyfriend doesn't even realize it. my friends smile and nod at me. and i dont' know what the fuck i'm doing. and the rain just makes it worse. thanks a whole lot. so here i am at 6.07 in the morning with a day ahead of me chocked full of lab reports and midterms. friday i get to go to syracuse though, and i'll get to play in a DOME!! that's pretty exciting. band is fun. but i can't do band after marching band cos my workload is too big. :'( well off to finish it. i hate everything. my major. my boyfriend. school. me. and i have nowhere to run. can't go here and can't go home. Current mood:  crappyMonday, October 27, 20036:51PM - it's just the rain...it's been a pretty crappy day. it must be the rain. or maybe i'm just using that as an excuse for it to be crappy. i didn't go to any class today. what a bum i am. and i feel bad about it, but at the same time i know i wouldn't be getting anything out of it. so what would be the point. at the same time i miss high school. things are seemingly great over here, but sometime is missing? i know what i want, but it is hard for me to get it, i think. i need discipline and it is coming along, but at the same time i feel i'll never really be caught up. i know i can learn the stuff, but it's hard and classes, and already i'm stressed. things manage to work out every time but somehow i manage to worry myself to death each time. i really miss becky. talking to her now just reminds me of the fun times we shared last year. it's kinda hard without her, but at the same time sometimes i forget she's not even here. but it's sad either way. i just feel yucky today. what's funny to me is that with people i have certain feelings toward them. and sometimes i don't quite get why, but then i realize that people have the same reactions to my behavior sometimes. weird. today is my three month anniversary. i haven't had one of these since freshman year. whoa. it's fun having a bf. i like james a lot. it's weird how we are together though. i mean who knew? and the whole joe situation is wild. hope that works out eventually. my cause for lying is because i don't want you to be mad. Current mood:  distressedSunday, September 14, 20032:48PM - it's rainingi think i'm confused. i mean come on. look at the first sentence i wrote, obviously i'm confused. i don't know what i want, or who i want. but i do know that it's raining. and sometimes i wish i could just run out there and play in it, but then you realize how wet you are going to get, and that's no good. but it's fun. my roomies' birthday is coming up, but i don't know what to get her! she's going to be 19, she's the baby of the house. this apartment thing is so much fun. we make dinner and i get to come home and chill on the couch or in my room and we have a dining room. i advise all to come and visit. but we have totally gone way overboard with the shopping. my car went in to be fixed this saturday and that makes me happy. blah blah blah. i need to study. and do laundry. off to be productive. Current mood:  bouncyCurrent music: the rain Thursday, September 4, 20038:19PM - should be doing homeworkstole this from somebody... but anway, doing homework and patiently waiting for joey's arrival. i can't wait to see him, i mean this is the longest we've been without seeing eachother since we met and it's tough. so much i want to say to him. and surprizingly today is the first "real" time that i have been able to talk to him since we arrived on campus. it makes it harder that we didn't talk. but anyway... back to this fun thingy. oh and if you didn't know this ISN'T about joey... Current mood: anxiousCurrent music: none Sunday, August 17, 20032:49AM - grrrrri am so pissed. just to let everyone know. yah know. i don't spend any fucking time with my fucking boyfriend. yeah so he lives with me and works with me. but that still doesn't mean that we spend any time together. i'd rather be at school with joe. at least joe and i talk. at least we spend time together. i can't wait to go back to school. then i get to see joe and talk to him all i want. you know i just want to talk to the kid. i want to get to know him a little better. you think you know somwonw and then you start to date them and you learn all those little knooks and crannies about them. that's what i want. i want to know all about high school and past girlfriends and family. you know today i learned that he likes science. i told him i could name all the bones in the body and when i forgot the kneecap he knew it. i was amazed. so brandon and dawn were here and wasted a good two hours doing nothing. then he's like i'm hungry so i take brandon and dawn home and go to the wawa and when i come home he was asleep. i fucking knew it. so i woke him up three times and proceeded to turn on all the lights and play loud music. i am so pissed. he goes to work during the day i work during the day, he works at night and then he goes to brandon's. i am going back to school next sunday. he is not allowed to visit me up there. i already told him that. i don't think he gets it. he will NOT see me. i fucking hate this. what is the point of being his girlfriend? GRRR. and he's convinced i'm going to cheat on him, and with none other than brandon. on a side note: Current mood: pissed offCurrent music: staind Friday, August 15, 20034:10PMMusicAngeL228: and when you meet james what will you say? 12:59PM - school james joey friendseveryone is so sad. it seems when one person is happy the rest of the world is not. i'm not saying that 'one person' is me, but i'm just saying. why is it that people feel like once they have a significant other that their life will be turned upside down and they will be the happiest person in the world? not true. not true at all. who does that? once you enter a relationship you gotta get use to compromise and sharing and telling the other person where you are. james is over protective. and he doesn't listen. he makes me mad. how is it that in a nine day span, not even nine full days, i happen to feel nothing after that. how is it that my devotion to one has shifted to another. how can i be so confused. school is coming up and i'm running from the problems. i'm going to school. and then i'll deal with those problems by coming home. i'm a great problem solver, huh? "why are you running away?" nothing is accomplished by this here tactic so don't try it at home. i'm not looking forward to band camp. back to work, wish i was at the beach with james... i miss joey... Current mood:  boredThursday, July 24, 200312:31AM - never therei suppose the words that make the most impact are the ones that hurt. take matt gusler for instance. now keep in mind that these words must be spoken by a friend, or someone that you care about. i mean if some stoopid girl, not saying any names, although i can think of many, just says hi you're stoopid, go kill yourself that's not going to do anything for me. so anyway, back to the words. so he says to me last thursday, "you know that person that when you look at them after high school, you say, boy they really have gone downhill? yeah, that's you" now when i tell people he said that to me, they just give me this look like, holy shit i can't believe he said that to you and they play the bastard game. but i'm starting to believe it's true. when he said it i too was somewhat appalled and i was like that's harsh, but looking at my life since school ended and i'm not liking it. so then today i see him at the tom jones, and he's telling me i'm never there. i'm always on the cell phone or with someone but talking to someone else. i throw parties and i don't even attend them. i can't say no. i can't say "i can't do anything tonight, i'm going out with so-and-so" but noooo, i gotta make plans with fifty zillion people. or i gotta be on the phone. i gotta change. gotta fix a lot of stuff. but matt says i'm like a drug addict, i'll say it and it sounds good but i won't do it. if i can hold off a month i'll be fine, if i don't do heroin for a month i'll go through withdraw and i won't need it anymore. that's me, apparently i'm a heroin addict. "what's happened to you it's obvious you've changed, something deep inside you is probably to blame, must be lonely up there with your head up in the clouds even though you got there what does your conscience tell you now?" Current mood: depressedCurrent music: the air conditioner... Friday, July 11, 200310:29AM - contentnesswhat is it with reading people's journals? i mean honestly. people love to read what everyone else is thinking. hmm... it's so fun. anyway. just chillin at CEP and i have the twinies with me. they are watching a movie in the conference room. ok so my mom doesn't think that i come home at night! i'm like mom, why wouldn't i tell you if i was sleeping out?! and to top it all off, do you know where she thinks i stay!? AT JAMES'S!!! HELL NO. anyway. tonight is joe's party but i don't really want to go. ehh, i will though. with ryane. last night i was out with brandon and dawn until like two am. it was fun. we just chilled and hung out. i am so mad at james. that fucker. i can't even talk about it, it makes me FURIOUS. so i was thinking. i think things are good? i mean i'm not sure, but it's like i'm really content with how things are. they are not the BEST, but it could be WAAAAY worse. i was talking to eric yesterday and he said that tony's gf wants to dump him and although i could care less about the kid it kind of gives me a sick thrill. and he says she's doing it because he's an asshole, and i'm like eric, hello? he is an asshole. but whatever. i feel like i have so much to say but forget what i want to say when i'm writing. oh well. i'm talking to eric(a) for the first time in a week. ohh my god. remind me to tell you the scary dad story... not my dad. lol. 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